


every belief you believe in is questioned

by aletterinthenameofsanity



Series: hold my hand (i can hear the ghost calling) [16]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bucky tries to process shit, Character Study, Drabble, Identity Issues, Introspection, M/M, Not Steve Friendly, POV Bucky Barnes, but this is not that fic, references to the end of Civil War, there will be a later Bucky/Rhodey fic from Bucky's perspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 07:02:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16635158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity
Summary: This Steve Rogers isn’t the man that Bucky grew up knowing, the little brother whose bravery exceeded his physical ability to fight, the boy who embodied the saying “it’s not the size of dog in the fight, but rather it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” This man- if he is a man, with the way he so callously throws away friendships and lives in the name of “collateral damage” and “justice”- is not kind and selfless, willing to do whatever he can to save the innocent, the bullied, the poor and oppressed.Bucky knows himself to be a monster, and he wonders if that self-awareness is what keeps him from becoming the villain. Maybe he still is the villain, despite his attempts to make himself better.Steve doesn’t seem to realize that he is a monster, though, and Bucky thinks that is what has turned him from hero to whatever the hell he is now. Bucky isn’t sure if he could ever call his (maybe) best friend a villain, because that’s not what Steve is (at least, he doesn’t think that’s what Steve is), but he doesn’t think Steve is a hero. Not anymore.And he's not sure if Steve could ever be a real hero again.





	every belief you believe in is questioned

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Prices](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14489541) by [pawn_vs_player](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pawn_vs_player/pseuds/pawn_vs_player). 



> Title is from "Shine" by Shane Koyczan.
> 
>  
> 
> In which I don't want to cope with Infinity War, so I don't and continue to completely ignore its existence.

Bucky awakens from being the Winter Soldier and within a few days, before he’s even figured out what his own name is, Siberia happens.

-

The Nazi plays the video and Bucky realizes what the Winter Soldier-what  _he-_ did so long ago. Tony turns to Steve, voice breaking as he asks if Steve knew, and Steve- Bucky's best friend, the most loyal soldier Bucky knows- admits to lying to his teammate. Then Bucky makes a comment, some inane, out-of-place thing, and then Tony attacks Bucky. Bucky fights back, because it's instinct, because he doesn't want to die, but he tries not to kill Tony because he's pretty sure that Tony is a good guy. He  _did_ show up in Siberia to help them fight the super soldiers, after all.

Then Steve joins in, and things go to shit.

By the time the fight is over, Bucky's arm has been torn away at the elbow and Tony's armor is dented into his chest. Steve's shield has been left behind on the ground as the two of them leave. 

Bucky isn't entirely sure what's going on right now, what just happened, what fight just went down. The Winter Soldier is pressing up against the back of Bucky's thoughts, keeping his brain from processing properly. It takes a few days for him to ask what happened after the fight, where they're going, what they're doing.

When Bucky finds out that Steve just left Tony there, didn’t contact their team to even go and check on a man they had left for dead, he isn't sure what to think about Steve. How could Steve have turned on a teammate like that? Steve had spoken to Bucky about the Avengers over the past few days, spoken of them like he would have the Howling Commandos back in the day- how could he have lied to a teammate and then attacked them like that?

(There’s also the fact that Steve joined Bucky in defending himself a man that was never going to kill him (Bucky has realized, once he's had time to process the fight, that Tony has what amount to cannons in his suit. If Tony had wanted Bucky dead, he would have died quickly) and turned what was a basically a non-lethal duel into a destructive match that ended with Steve shoving his shield into Tony’s chest.

Not just his chest, though- Steve shoved his shield into the center of Tony's armor, the place where his heart lies. Steve could have killed Tony straight out if he'd gone only an inch further.)

Bucky looks at Steve and finds himself staring at a man he doesn’t know anymore. That shield was meant for defense, for helping save the day, not shoving through the chestplate of a teammate.

This Steve Rogers isn’t the man that Bucky grew up knowing, the little brother whose bravery exceeded his physical ability to fight, the boy who embodied the saying “it’s not the size of dog in the fight, but rather it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” This man- if he is a man, with the way he so callously throws away friendships and lives in the name of “collateral damage” and “justice”- is not kind and selfless, willing to do whatever he can to save the innocent, the bullied, the poor and oppressed.

Bucky wonders when Steve’s morals turned to absolutes, or whether they were  _always_ absolutes and Bucky just never realized it because that was home and he was used to it. Displaced into this new world, though, surrounded by a new team of people, Steve’s flaws become a little clearer. 

-

Tony welcomes them both back into the Tower and Bucky isn't sure how comfortable the man is with the two of them. Every time they go near Tony, Tony will flinch away, either retreating to his lab or at least to the far side of the table or the sofa to sit by Sam. And Bucky doesn't blame him, not after what happened in Siberia, the way that he and Steve left Tony with as many bruises as a battle does. 

-

Bucky knows himself to be a monster, and he wonders if that self-awareness is what keeps him from becoming the villain. Maybe he still  _is_ the villain, despite his attempts to make himself better.

Steve doesn’t seem to realize that he is a monster, though, and Bucky thinks that is what has turned him from hero to whatever the hell he is now. Bucky isn’t sure if he could ever call his (maybe) best friend a villain, because that’s not what Steve is (at least, he doesn’t think that’s what Steve is), but he doesn’t think Steve is a hero. Not anymore.

And he's not sure if Steve could ever be a real hero again.

-

When Steve leaves the Tower, Bucky breathes a sigh of relief. He feels bad about it for awhile (and sometimes wonders, even as the guilt eases, if he will ever stop feeling bad about this one moment where he finds himself relieved that his best friend is gone) but he sees the way that Tony seems more at ease in his own home, the way the team is more comfortable with each other without having to occasionally side-eye Steve.

And so Bucky doesn't feel that bad about feeling relieved. 


End file.
